Silver Bracelet 03: Faith and Acceptance
by Brandon
Summary: In which obstacles are overcome.


TITLE: Faith and Acceptance   
SPOILER WARNING: Revelations; Momento Mori; Christmas Carol; Emily; FTF   
RATING: PG, mostly for a few bad words, plus adult situations and stuff. No sex, though. Sorry, guys. Maybe next time.   
CONTENT WARNING: Religious content, handled as respectfully as I know how.   
CLASSIFICATION: SRA; MSR Heavy on both the "A" and the "R".   
SUMMARY: Scully and Mulder work towards closure, but nothing worth having is ever easy to obtain.   
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a sequel to [Transfiguration][1]; it will make little sense if you haven't read that one. There is another story, [As I Knew He Would][2], which is a companion piece to these two, but reading AIKHW is NOT necessary to understanding the sequence of events, I think. Finally, there is a sequel: [Reconciliation][3]. It is possible that there will be more stories in this sequence; I've got an idea or two. But no promises.   
DEDICATION: "Transfiguration" was supposed to be a stand-alone, but Rachel Lewis wrote me and demanded a sequel. After some thought, I produced "As I Knew He Would", which is not exactly a sequel, but is a companion piece. Now I have a true sequel, and of course we owe it all to Rachel's insistence. Also as always, any flaws herein are my responsibility.   


Faith and Acceptance 

by Brandon D. Ray 

Fox Mulder sat in silence next to his partner, on her mother's sofa in front of the Christmas tree. Christmas dinner had come and gone, and Mrs. Scully had retired to her bedroom, saying that she needed a nap, leaving the two partners alone together for the first time since the previous afternoon. They sat close to each other, not quite touching, and carefully did not look at one another. 

Finally, Scully broke the silence. "Thank you for coming up here today." 

"You're welcome." Mulder kept his voice low and controlled. He felt whipsawed by the flood of conflicting emotions, but he knew that he had to maintain control, or all would be lost. 

Again the silence settled over them. It had been like this since he arrived, several hours earlier. They had stepped carefully around each other, as if they were walking on eggshells, and their conversation had been sparse, disjointed and mundane. Mulder knew that this could not continue, but he was afraid to begin the discussion which he knew was coming, not knowing how it might end. 

At last, he spoke. "Why, Scully?" He struggled to keep the pain out of those two words, and knew that he had failed when he saw her wince. 

Looking as if it were the hardest thing in the world, she turned to face him. "I'm sorry, Mulder," she said, so very softly. "You have no idea how sorry I am." 

He shrugged his shoulders restlessly. "This isn't about sorry," he replied. "I'm not asking for an apology; your feelings are what they are, and you never need to apologize to me for them. But I would like to know why." He wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek, but something warned him not to. "Please, Scully. I need to know why." 

She stared at him for a moment, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "God, Mulder, don't you know? Do I have to say the words?" 

He closed his eyes and swallowed. She was hurting; sweet Jesus, she was hurting. And although he didn't understand how or why, it was clear that he was at the center of it. This had to stop. Now. 

With a sigh, he opened his eyes, and looked into hers. "I'm sorry, Scully. I never meant to hurt you. I wish to God that I didn't have to ask you for an explanation. I wish I could understand without putting you through this. And if you...can't say the words, whatever they are, I'll walk away from it. I promise." 

For an agonized moment she seemed to consider it; then she shook her head violently. "No," she said. "No, you're right. You deserve an explanation. What I did to you was inexcusable." She looked down at the floor, and repeated, "I'm sorry." 

"Scully, I --" 

"Just wait and let me do this, okay? It's hard enough as it is." She took a deep breath and shuddered. Her fingers momentarily caressed the silver bracelet she wore on her left wrist, and Mulder's heart jumped to see her acknowledging its presence, even indirectly. Then she started speaking again. 

"You...you surprised me yesterday." She shook her head again. "No, you more than just surprised me. You scared the living hell out of me." She stopped speaking for a moment, as if hoping that somehow that would be enough. Then she sighed and continued. "I just didn't know what to say." 

"You could have said no." God those words hurt to say, but he had to say them. He had to let her know that he would accept that. 

She glanced at him, very briefly, then looked back at the floor. "That's the problem. I didn't want to say no. I wanted to say yes." She took another deep breath, and when she spoke again her voice was quavering. "But I knew that I couldn't do that to you." She tensed her shoulders for a minute, then turned to look him square in the eyes as she stripped the bracelet from her wrist and held it out to him. "I think you'd better take this back." 

Mulder sat absolutely still, making no move to take the bracelet. "I don't want to take it back," he said. "I want you to have it. It's yours. Even if there's no us, it's yours." 

"Dammit, Mulder!" she said, brushing at her eyes with her free hand. "Why are you making this so hard?" 

"Because I don't understand," he said gently. "You still haven't explained it to me. I offered to leave, but you refused. I suggested that you could say no, but you said you wanted to say yes. I think...I think you want...what I want. But you keep pushing it away. You keep pushing ME away. And I don't understand why." 

Scully pulled her hands together in her lap and absently toyed with the bracelet. After a pair of minutes she looked at him again. "You're really going to make me do this, aren't you?" she said. Then she nodded. "Okay. You already know this, but maybe...maybe it's not the same for men." Seemingly unconsciously, one of her hands gently caressed her abdomen. 

Realization dawned slowly. Finally, as full knowledge burst upon him, Mulder said, "My God, Scully. Is this about...." His voice trailed off. 

"It's all right, Mulder; you can say it." Now her voice was bitter and angry. "I'm sterile. Barren. Whatever the politically correct euphemism of the week is. Christ, you've known it longer than I have; I don't know why we're dancing around this." 

He stared at her for a long moment. Then, very softly: "Do you think that matters to me?" 

She turned her head and looked at him, her face an emotionless mask. "Are you saying that it doesn't?" 

Another long pause, then he nodded slowly. "Of course it matters." She turned her face away and drew back from him. Mulder reached out and touched her chin, trying to turn her head back towards him, but she jerked away. "Dammit, Scully, you know what I mean -- or you ought to." His voice softened. "It matters because I can see how much that loss has hurt you. Hell, it hurts me, too. It hurts like hell to know that we can never...never have a child together." 

She made no response. After a moment, Mulder continued. "Don't you think I've considered this?" He struggled to keep the desperation out of his voice. "This isn't a spur of the moment decision for me, Scully. I've been thinking about this for months, ever since we got back from Antarctica. Jesus. Do you have any idea how empty I felt when you told me they were sending you to Salt Lake City? Or how absolutely devastated and lost I was when you were taken from me again?" There were tears streaming down his face, but he didn't care, and he made no attempt to wipe them away. 

"I told you then, and I'm telling you now, Scully: You make me whole. Without you, I have nothing; I AM nothing. With you, I have the whole world. That's why I said what I said yesterday. Because I love you, and I think you love me, and I...can't...stand...being alone any longer." 

Silence descended once again, and it lasted so long that Mulder was beginning to wonder if he should just get up and leave. But God, he didn't want to. His entire life was sitting here in this room; if he walked out now, he knew he'd never get another chance. 

Finally, she said, "Something happened last night, Mulder." 

He was confused by the sudden change of topic, but he knew that this subject, whatever it was, must be important, or she wouldn't have raised it. "What happened, Scully?" 

"I saw Kevin." She turned her head and looked at him sideways. "You remember? Kevin Kryder?" 

Mulder nodded. "Sure. I remember Kevin. The boy with the stigmata. Why was he here?" 

"He said he was here to help me." 

"To help you?" 

She nodded. Her face now bore a dreamy, faraway expression. "He sat on the sofa next to me. Right where you're sitting now. And we...talked." 

"Just that? Talked?" 

She shook her head. "No. He touched me." Again she caressed her abdomen. "Here." 

Mulder waited, but she didn't seem inclined to go on. Finally: "And?" 

She shrugged helplessly. "I...don't know how to describe it. It was...profound. I felt as if his hand was...sinking into me. It was warm. Special." She seemed to be struggling to find the right word. "Magic." She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked at him. "What do you think it means?" 

Mulder hesitated. This was important; he could tell by the look on her face. The problem was that he didn't have a clue what the right answer was. Finally he shrugged. "I don't know, Scully. I wasn't there." 

She looked away. Sadly: "That's what I thought you'd say." 

Another long silence. Then, very softly, Mulder said, "I asked you this once, but I'll ask it again. Do you want me to leave?" 

Again she seemed to be considering it, and Mulder held his breath in timeless agony. At last, she closed her eyes and shook her head, and when she spoke again, her voice was barely above a whisper. "No. I don't want you to go; I want you to stay. God help me, I want you to stay." She looked at him again, and her voice firmed up a little. "But it has to be on my terms." 

He looked at her for a moment, then nodded slowly. He knew he was about to make a commitment, and he did not enter into such things lightly. But he had chosen this path yesterday afternoon, and he knew he had to stay on it to its conclusion, whatever that conclusion might be. 

"Anything, Scully," he said simply. "I'll do anything for you." 

She seemed to study his face for a moment, then she nodded slightly. "Okay, Mulder. Okay. What you have to do...what I need from you...is respect." She put her hand to his lips to still his objection, then went on. "I don't mean respect in the professional sense. I know I have that; I'm confident of it, and it is one of the many reasons that I love you." Mulder shivered slightly as he realized that this was the first time she had spoken those words. 

"And I don't mean respect for my independence as a person, because I know that I have that also. And again, that is another of the countless reasons that I love you." She took his hand and squeezed it briefly, then let it go again. "What I mean is respect for my beliefs." She reached up and lightly touched the gold cross at her throat. "For my faith. I don't ask that you share my faith, but I want -- I NEED -- for you to honor mine." 

"Scully..." He stopped, and tried to think. His first instinct was to deny what she was saying, to insist that he DID respect her beliefs, and always had. But he knew in his heart that it wasn't true, and he also knew that if he lied to her now, she would know it, and it would all be over. He felt tears forming in his eyes again, and tried to blink them away, but it just made his vision blurry. He wiped at his eyes angrily. "Dammit, Scully, this is so hard." 

"I know," she said softly, looking deep into his eyes with love and compassion. "I know it's hard. It's hard for me, too. Neither one of us is very good at expressing our feelings. But if we truly want this, we have to do it. Because I NEED your respect, Mulder. Doing without is not an option. If you can't...come to terms with this part of me, then there can be no future for us." 

"I don't know where to begin," he muttered. 

She gently grasped his hand again, and this time she allowed the contact to continue. "Why don't you begin by answering my question. What do you think the experience I had last night means?" 

He stared at her, trying to think. He knew he'd blown it the first time, but he really didn't know what it meant. No, that was a lie; he knew what he thought, and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. But he had to tell the truth. He had to. There was no other way. Looking down at her hand resting on his, and wondering if this was the last time he would see their hands together, he said, very low, "I think you had a waking dream, Scully. I think you were in such a fugue from the emotional turmoil I put you through, that your mind created Kevin for you, as a way out." He looked back up at her face, trying to gauge her reaction, but she was giving nothing away. "I think you imagined it." Pause. "But I think you believe it really happened." 

Time seemed to stop. Scully stared into his eyes, probing, searching. He felt completely naked and vulnerable, and after a moment he realized that she was still waiting. Waiting for more. And after another moment, he realized what it was she was waiting for. 

"What do YOU think it means, Scully?" he asked. 

Her eyes closed, and for one bleak instant Mulder thought it was all over. But then her eyes opened again, and it was Scully looking at him. His partner Scully. His friend Scully. The only one he trusted. "I think it was a miracle," she said quietly, and she squeezed his hand again. "I think it was a gift from God." 

He knew they were not quite out of the woods yet; there was one more thing he had to say. Fortunately, he knew what it was. Even more fortunately, it was the truth. "I can accept that." 

And then she was in his arms at last, hugging him, and he was hugging her, and for a long time neither of them spoke. Finally Scully broke the silence, her voice muffled against his chest. "God, Mulder, I was so scared." 

"So was I," he said softly, stroking her hair. "I was terrified. I was sure that whatever I said it would be the wrong thing. Oh, God." He breathed into her hair, and tried to draw her even closer. "Oh, God." He couldn't believe this was finally happening. It was too much; it was overwhelming. He knew that there was still a rough road ahead, but at least now they were on it together. 

Finally, she drew away from him a bit. "Mulder? Will you do something for me?" 

"Anything, Scully" he replied, echoing his words from before. "I'll do anything for you." 

"Will you....will you put my bracelet back on for me?" 

He smiled at her, and she smiled back. "That's an easy one," he said. He took the bracelet from her and slid it back onto her wrist, then raised her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly. "There. It's back where it belongs." 

"Yes, it is," she said, turning her wrist and looking at the ornament. "It's right where it belongs." 

Mulder suddenly felt nervous, and after a moment he realized the cause. Hesitantly, he said, "Scully?" She looked up at him, but didn't speak. "May I...may I kiss you?" 

Still she didn't speak, but continued to look at him, studying his face. He didn't know what she was looking for, and after a moment he started to feel uncomfortable. "Scully? Did I say something wrong?" 

She shook her head, still studying him. "No. No, I want you to kiss me. I want it so bad. But once we kiss, everything will change, and I want to remember what you looked like...before." 

"Oh." Somehow that made sense to him. Very softly: "Okay, Scully. Take all the time you need." 

After a couple more minutes, she smiled and nodded. "Okay. I'm ready." 

The first contact was dry, awkward and uncomfortable. Mulder drew back and shifted his position slightly, trying to make things better, but the difference in their heights was making it difficult. Finally, Scully put a hand on his chest. "Just a minute." She braced one hand on his shoulder and the other on the back of the sofa and levered herself up onto his lap, then put her arms back around his neck again. "There. That's better." 

"It certainly is." Their lips met, and this time it was perfect. 

After a timeless interval, their lips parted again, and Scully rested her head on his shoulder. When she finally spoke, her voice was dreamy. "That was...profound." Mulder felt a thrill chase down his spine, and he cuddled her closer. She shifted slightly, and raised her head and looked up at him. Her eyes were dark blue and luminous, her expression serious. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?" 

He shook his head and smiled. "No. Nothing is ever easy for us. If it were easy, it wouldn't be any fun." 

She chuckled and lay her head back down on his shoulder again. "As long as we're together, I don't care how hard it is. We'll find a way. We'll make it work." 

Mulder laughed, too. "Hey, Scully, I'll cut you a deal. I'll overthrow the Consortium, if you'll be the one who breaks the news about us to Bill." 

She giggled and nuzzled her face into his neck. "Troublemaker." 

They sat together in silence for awhile, barely moving, just feeling the moment. At length, Scully lifted her head again and gazed up at him, a shy, hesitant smile on her face. "Mulder?" 

"Yes, Scully?" 

"Will you...will you sleep next to me tonight? I'm not ready for...for anything else. At least, not yet. But I want you next to me. I want to know what it feels like to wake up in your arms." 

Mulder felt his throat constricting, and tears stung his eyes. "God, Scully." Ever so gently, he stroked her cheek, then planted a soft kiss on her lips, lingering just a moment. "This is so intense. I...I'd love to sleep next to you. But what about your mother?" 

Scully arched an eyebrow at him and smiled. "I didn't think she was your type." She shook her head and laughed. "Seriously, Mulder, don't worry about it. I don't think Mom will mind. She's had her eye on you for a long time." She kissed him, then slid down off his lap and took both of his hands in hers. "Come on, partner. Let's go to bed."   
  


Fini   


[Go to the next Silver Bracelet story][3]

   [1]: Transfiguration.html
   [2]: AsIKnewHeWould.html
   [3]: Reconciliation.html



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